"Unrealized Expectations"

All of us enter into our relationships and marriages with (usually unconscious), expectations of what a husband, a wife, and a marriage should be.  And because we rarely define these expectations for ourselves, they never get vocalized to our spouses.  They generally only come to the surface of our consciousness when they are not being met.  This is where the trouble begins.  

Suppose your (unconscious) idea of a “good” husband, is that he will work hard, provide for the family, tend to the yard, pick up the dog poop, keep the house free of bugs, perform the household maintenance, and basically do all the “yucky”, dirty jobs around the house that you don’t want to do, or can’t imagine yourself having to do.

Now bear in mind, you have never actually said this out loud.  Certainly not to your Fabulous Husband!  You probably didn’t even realize that these were your expectations--until he didn’t do one, or all of them!  Suddenly, you are frustrated and angry when you step in dog poop in your new favorite pair of shoes.  And you are freaked out when a roach crawls across your kitchen floor--whose fault is that????  And when the toilet overflows and you have a sewage problem on your hands--well, you certainly didn’t sign up for such a horrible, nasty mess!

Meanwhile, Fabulous Husband grew up in a household where Mom was the brave one.  Mom killed the bugs, slew the dragons, and took care of everything at home while Dad “brought home the bacon”.  Fabulous Husband never dreamed that one day he would be EXPECTED to perform all those “ikky” jobs.  

The stage is set for a melt-down in the marriage--all because of UNREALIZED EXPECTATIONS.

Conversely, since Fabulous Husband’s Mother cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and accomplished ALL things household while Dad worked outside the home, he has a preconceived notion that Wonderful Wife will assume all those roles.  HIS JOB is to work--AT WORK.  

Wonderful Wife, however, came from a family where as the only girl (besides Mom), she took dance lessons, learned to play the violin, and was a high school cheerleader.  Dad and her 3 brothers handled all the hard jobs around the house.  Mom did cook and clean, but never made lovely daughter pitch in with these chores.  Her job was to excel in school, make friends, go to college and be successful.  And she did.  She earned her degree and has a fabulous new job to go with her Fabulous new Husband.  And NO TIME for cooking, cleaning, and having children.  She ASSUMES that since she and new hubby are a modern, working couple, they will divide up the household duties, take turns, help each other, and pick up the slack when the other has to work late or over the week-end.  But of course, he must feel the same way--that is just the way it will be.  So it never occurs to her to mention her “plan”.

Both husband and wife are really busy at work.  And at home, the dishes are piling up, as is the laundry.  The yard needs mowing, the floors need scrubbing and each is secretly wondering why the other hasn’t managed to keep up with the household chores.

The day Wonderful Wife ruins her new shoes in the yard also happens to be the same day that Fabulous Husband reaches for a clean shirt to wear to work, only to find that he doesn’t have any!  Happy Couple has their first UGLY fight--each blames the other for things they never even realized that they expected of one another.  

If any of this sounds familiar, you are NOT alone!  We all go through it and the way to navigate safely through these potential minefields is to TALK, TALK, TALK.  And I don’t mean yelling at each other during an argument, but hopefully via a series of calm, constructive conversations before you actually have the argument(s).  Examine your childhood and your roles models.  Try to uncover what your expectations of your spouse and your marriage are.  And share those with one another.  Not in anger, but in the spirit of loving, cooperative communication.

Learn the fine art of negotiating who is responsible for what.  What are the rules regarding money, and accounting for it?  Who pays the bills?  What is your budget?  What are your plans for having children?  What happens after the children?  Who works?  Does someone stay home?  How does that change the household responsibilities?  Who gets up with the baby?  Who takes the dog out late at night?  In the morning? How often are each of you going to spend time outside the marriage with friends?  How do you expect to spend your vacations and free time?  How and where will you spend the holidays?  How often will you visit in-laws?  Who cooks, who cleans, who takes out the garbage?

Cover all these issues and more.  Some may seem small and trivial, but I promise you, they aren’t when they blow up in your face!  The more UNREALIZED, UN-VOCALIZED EXPECTATIONS that you have, the more trouble you are going to have.  Spend as much time uncovering these potential problem areas as you did planning the wedding and you will save yourself a lot of heartache.  Rarely are arguments about “who left the dirty dishes in the sink”.  Instead the argument is about someone’s non-verbal expectation of how dishes, or some other issue, should be handled.  

Marriages often erode a little bit at a time.  These types of things can cause the love that brought you together, to turn into resentment and disappointment.  “Fabulous” Husband is now characterized as a work-a-holic who has no time for the family and shirks his responsibilities at home.  “Wonderful” Wife is thought of as a spoiled brat who won’t clean the house.  These two people didn’t change.  Their “unrealized, non-verbal, unmet expectations” have tainted their views of one another.  And the “happily married couple” dissolves into two bitter, angry, bickering people who can’t stand the sight of one another.

Don’t let this happen to your marriage.  See yourself as you really are, as well as your spouse.  Don’t concentrate on one another’s perceived faults - look at your own expectations and discuss with each other how to arrive at a solution that works for both of you.

Remember, he is still “Fabulous” Husband and she is still “Wonderful” Wife.  Just be sure to define what you “expect” from them so they can stay that way!

“You expected much, but received only a little. And when you brought it home, I made that little disappear. Why have I done this? It’s because you hurry off to build your own houses, while my temple is still in ruins.”   ~ Haggai 1:9

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