Easy Ways to Sabotage Your Relationship

“Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. ~ James 4:1

Relationships fail for a variety of reasons. When we forget one of the basic principals outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:5, “…Love does not demand its own way…”, we sow the seeds for a variety of manifestations of Selfishness. The fundamental and defining character of Love is that it is NOT selfish. Yet, ultimately, the demise of any relationship can be directly attributed to some form of selfishness. And two of the easiest and most common ways to destroy the foundation of any relationship are the epitome of Selfishness—Pride and Jealousy.

“Too much Pride will destroy you.” ~ Proverbs 16:18

Pride is the enemy of relationships, and stubbornness, exhibiting controlling behaviors, and being unforgiving, are all just pride in disguise. Demonstrating these, and other prideful reactions will undermine the basis of your relationship and quickly sabotage any efforts you make towards building a solid future together.

By the way, please don’t confuse the destructive impact of pride with the healthy trait of Self-Confidence, or with the virtues of Dignity and Honor. Those are very different types of pride and not at all related to what we are discussing here. You can have pride in your country, the accomplishments of loved ones, and a job well done, for example. But that doesn’t make you a prideful person. And remember that you can be confident and secure without being controlling, stubborn and unforgiving. These manifestations of pride hurt those around you and ultimately yourself as well.

Pride, disguised as stubbornness, indicates that you care more about yourself than you do the other person. It is another symptom of selfishness and denotes a lack of maturity. We refuse to negotiate, give-in, or talk things through to a reasonable compromise when we let our pride get in the way of our love for someone else and our concern for their needs, their opinions, and their desires. And it sets us up for controlling behaviors.

If you are guilty of needing to have the last word and be the final authority on issues relating to the family, the home, the relationship, the finances, the children, etc., then you are exhibiting controlling behaviors that will quickly sabotage any chance of happiness you might have together. It says that you think you are smarter, more astute, more capable, and more talented than your partner. It demeans their contribution to the relationship and signifies that you have devalued them. It is degrading, often humiliating, and they will ultimately withdraw because their needs are not being met and the relationship is offering them fewer and fewer benefits. Not many people want to stay where they feel unappreciated, insignificant, and worthless.

A partnership only works for both partners when each of you feels loved, appreciated, respected and valued. Each individual must have input and be free to not only offer opinions and suggestions, but is entitled to have those taken into account in the decision-making process, and for them to be recognized as assets to the relationship.

And if you are the primary wage earner in the family, be very careful that you do not assume more power or exercise dominion over your spouse. A healthy marriage, friendship and any other relationship is a careful balance where both people are making contributions to the future direction of the partnership and where both are highly regarded for the unique and necessary gifts they provide. Don’t assume that the partner whose “gift” is to earn the family’s income is somehow entitled to a greater share of power in decision-making. Remember that you are partners and both of you are affected by the decisions of either one of you. So be respectful, encourage discussions, value one another’s opinions, and be sure that you are making more joint decisions than unilateral ones.

When you exhibit stubborn and controlling behaviors, you upset the delicate balance within your relationship. You cause resentment to build because you devalue your partner. And you erode the love, respect and honor that are a vital part of building a healthy partnership that will not only last, but also flourish and prosper.

Philippians 2:3 ~ “When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble and give more honor to others than to yourself.”

“Pride goeth before a fall” may be a cliché, a phrase coined from Proverbs 16:18, but clichés were born from truisms and from experience. So be forewarned, if you continue to let your pride interfere with your willingness to see things from someone else’s point of view, you will erode your relationship with that person a little at a time. If you continue to be stubborn and controlling, you will undermine your partner’s love and respect for you. And if you refuse to apologize, or make concessions because you are afraid of being perceived as weak or wrong, then you are causing injury and damage to your relationship that might be irreparable. If you are not valuing your relationship and your partner more than yourself, you run the very real risk of losing them both.

And let me be clear about that last statement. I am not talking about being a doormat and always putting your needs last. I am talking about a give and take, the fairness and compromise that are necessary to the health of any relationship. Make sure that you are contributing to the stability of your relationship by putting aside your pride. Don’t be stubborn or controlling; be willing to apologize and make sure that you have a forgiving spirit.

“Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." ~ Colossians 3:13

The act of forgiveness is a very necessary lesson that we all need to learn in life, and the earlier the better. But way too many of us take a lifetime to figure out the power in the simple act of forgiving someone else. Forgiveness is a gift of peace you give to yourself. It empowers you to take control over your own life and stop allowing the actions of others to dictate your attitudes, acts, emotions and moods.

And having a forgiving spirit does not mean that you are meek, spineless, weak, or a pushover. Making the choice to forgive is not a passive action. Rather it is an assertive activity driven by the conscious preference to be the kind of person who strives to reflect God in their interactions with others.

This powerful choice is a liberating, defining moment where you take back control over your own life and your own emotions. You no longer allow hurt or resentment to impact your present reality or direct your future. Remember, You cannot live in the present and create the future, if you are dwelling on the past.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that forgiving doesn’t mean condoning someone else’s bad behavior. It simply means that you are making allowances for their human imperfections, and in turn, they will be more motivated to make allowances for yours. After all, you are both going to do selfish, immature, thoughtless things at some time or another. And remember another aspect of Love in 1 Corinthians 13:5 is that it “keeps no record of wrongs”. So practice forgiveness on a regular basis, don’t bring up your partner’s past mistakes every time you get angry with them, and in turn, you will discover how much more loving and peaceful your relationship becomes.

“Jealousy is more dangerous and cruel than anger.” ~ Proverbs 27:4

Jealousy is another dangerous manifestation of selfishness that tears at the very fabric of a relationship. When someone exhibits jealousy they are telling their partner that they don’t believe in them, don’t trust them, and care more for themselves than for their partner. It shows that they are fearful, self-serving, and is, at its core, simply a reflection of their insecurity. It unmasks an ugly truth about them, is an indication of their immaturity, demonstrates a lack of self-confidence and is counter-productive to developing an adult, loving, relationship that will stand the test of time.

You may think that I am being harsh in my assessment of the character trait of jealousy. But facing these truths is a whole lot less painful than the impact jealousy has on those around you. Jealousy is NOT love. Jealousy makes you do things that you later regret and brings no good and no joy to you, your partner, or your family. Many a murder has been committed because of jealousy. Many a relationship has been destroyed. It creates drama and chaos and robs you both of any chance for a peaceful existence together. Jealousy leaves a path of pain and devastation whenever it gains a foothold in people’s lives.

“Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things.” ~ James 3:6

No relationship can thrive or grow stronger and deeper in an environment of jealousy. It is not a nurturing behavior; it is a destructive one. It will undermine every attempt you make to move your relationship along a positive path. It is poison to a marriage, a partnership, and to a friendship. It causes the person on the receiving end to become defensive and conjures up feelings of unwarranted and unjustified guilt. And continuing to subject someone to undue condemnation only creates an environment of mistrust, anger, frustration, confusion and ultimately, hostility.

If you want to have a long, loving relationship with someone, you will eventually need to exorcise the malevolent monster of jealousy before it destroys everything you hold dear. And make no mistake; it will drive away even the most devoted among us.

If you suffer from a jealousy heart, it is important to take a long look at yourself and understand that your jealousy is about YOU, not your partner. You, and only you, can take the necessary steps to heal the hurt and change your behavior. But you are not alone. By recognizing this shortcoming within you, and by being completely honest with yourself, when you come to God with a contrite heart and a sincere desire to change, God will give you the tools you need to rid yourself of this crippling characteristic. By understanding where the jealousy comes from and accepting responsibility for the damage it causes, you are well on your way to removing it from your life forever.

Try to see yourself from God’s eyes and you will come to understand that you have tremendous value and self-worth. You will no longer have a need to be jealous, because you will accept that you are worthy of love and respect and will in turn, impart those to others. And feeling good about yourself and having self-confidence are much more attractive traits than jealousy will ever be. Start an active, ongoing conversation with God, asking him to help you to outgrow your tendency towards being jealous. You will be amazed at the peace of mind that comes from being comfortable with yourself, confident of your partner and secure in your relationship.

And if your partner has been guilty of infidelity and you feel justified in your jealousy, remember that your jealousy will not help you to heal those hurts. Yes, you may have a “reason” to feel jealous, but jealousy in and of itself, is a destructive emotion and will only hinder your attempts to repair the damage done by the infidelity. If you hope to recover from this selfish assault on your marriage and have a chance for rebuilding, don’t let jealousy impede any progress you might make. Don’t add to your problems with detrimental reactions. Instead, consciously direct your responses to be ones that rather than obstructing your path, will help to advance you toward your ultimate goal.

Almost all problems in a relationship of any kind--family, friendship, marital, even among co-workers, can be traced back to the fact that one or both parties are practicing self-serving behaviors to the detriment of the relationship.

Infidelity, Greed, Jealousy, Thoughtlessness, Pride, Inconsideration, Narcissism, an Unwillingness to Forgive, Arrogance, Domination, Egotism, Boastfulness, Stubbornness, Conceit, Snobbery, Cruelty, and just about any other negative trait you can name, are all manifestations of some form of selfishness.

In order to prevent sabotaging your relationships, you would be wise to learn to recognize all the various forms that selfishness takes, ascertain which ones you are currently practicing, and remove them from your behavior patterns and your interactions with others. And if you aren’t sure which ones apply to you, just ask those closest to you—they are certain to know!

“If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” ~ Galatians 5:15

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. She can be reached at reflecting@me.com.