"What's On Your Mind?"

All day, every day, our minds are bombarded with messages.  Movies, 24-hour news channels, talk radio, videos, commercials, television programming, friends, neighbors, family, co-workers, emails, conversations of which we are a part, and those we hear around us--all play continuously as the background noise in our lives.  Have you ever stopped to consider the tone and impact of the messages received by your brain on a perpetual basis?

There are numerous studies supporting the fact that subliminal messages DO, in fact, affect our thoughts and behaviors.  Our brains are stimulated by sight and sound.  Brain scans reveal that we often record messages that we are unaware of having seen or heard.  And we all know that everything our brains take in, stays there--forever.  Even suppressed memories can be uncovered through hypnosis and psychotherapy.

Whether we are conscious of it or not, our brains are consistently being programmed by what we see and what we hear.  And those messages are affecting our attitudes, our moods, our values, and ultimately, our choices.  So isn’t it in your best interest to control your brain’s exposure, as much as it is possible to do so?

Consider what is coming into your home via your television screen, your computer monitor, your stereo and car speakers.  Does your T.V. stay tuned to a news channel?  They are notorious for covering the same stories over and over again throughout the day.  Abducted and murdered children, celebrity divorces and recurring stints in rehab, campus shooting rampages, rapes, wars, etc., etc.  Have you ever considered the damage you may be doing to your psyche to hear the horrors of the day being played on a continuous loop in your mind?

Movies and video games are noted for exploiting violence, each pushing the previous limits aside in an attempt to out-do the other and go further than has been gone before.  Our children, and even ourselves, are being desensitized to seeing people shot, stabbed, strangled, raped, and mutilated.  Study after study has proven a correlation between exposure to violence and aggressive/violent behavior.  And we are all familiar with the countless examples of generational abuse.  Children often learn to be violent by watching violence around them.  And yet, we continue to invite it into our homes through our televisions and computers!

Violence is not the only negative impact of the messages swirling around us.  The conversations, attitudes and behaviors of those around us, are also a part of what our brains take in everyday.  Are you spending time around people who are upbeat, positive, who share your values, and who support you in your efforts to achieve your goals?

Or, are those who share your days gossiping about one another, obsessively following the latest sensational murder trials and the various exploits of the “celebrity of the day”?  Are they “poor old me” people who concentrate on what is wrong with their lives, rather than what is right?  Do they talk about their troubles or their blessings?  Do they lift you up and support you, or try to keep you from advancing yourself?  Do they encourage you or do they demean your dreams?

“A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

                                                                                                                            ~ Proverbs 12:26

It is imperative that you purposely, deliberately, seek to surround yourself with as many positive, upbeat, inspiring, confident, motivating and cheerful messages as you possibly can.  Keep your mind open to the possibilities in life, rather than the limitations.  Turn your radio station to soothing music, or turn it off and have a conversation with your Creator!

Limit the time you spend with negative people and seek out friends who support your values, your goals and your dreams.  Read books, articles and watch programs and movies with happy, inspirational themes.  Occupy your mind, your time, and your thoughts with activities and people who can promote healthy, “good-for-you” thoughts and feelings.  

Conduct a self-check each day and ask yourself, “What’s on my mind”?  If you don’t like the answer, then change the channel!

“Finally, my friends, keep your minds on whatever is true, pure, right, holy, friendly, and proper.  Don’t ever stop thinking about what is truly worthwhile and worthy of praise.”

                                                                                                                             Philippians 4:8

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"Why Can't I Just Whine?"

A friend who is going through a rough time right now, expressed that she just wanted to “whine”. Haven’t we all felt that way at times? I know that I have told my (patient) husband many times, “Just let me VENT!” And it is often healthy to express yourself verbally, to acknowledge your feelings. A good cry can be cleansing, even cathartic. But tempting as it is to howl, grumble or complain about our problems, we all eventually have to answer the question honestly for ourselves--How helpful is WHINING?

I have found that continuing to dwell upon all that is wrong, satisfying as that might be, doesn’t help me to solve my problems. Sure, I may feel hurt, disheartened, overwhelmed or betrayed.  But keeping my focus on how I currently feel about my situation creates stagnation and perpetuates the negativity surrounding my circumstances.  

It doesn’t help me to find solutions, to create new realities, or to heal. I just get stuck in the “I don’t like where I am right now” mode. And when I am concentrating on how bad things are, I am not taking the necessary steps to make things any better for myself. And I could even be making them worse. Time spent focused on my problems, is time stolen from their solutions.

If you really need to vent, find a quiet place and have an honest conversation with God. He can take it! Pour out your fears, your troubles, your pain, even your anger. Pick up your Bible and you will find many kindred spirits there! It is full of stories of people just like us, needing comfort, solace, deliverance, harmony and peace.

“O Lord, from the depths of despair I cry for your help:  ‘Hear me!  Answer!  Help me!”

                                                                                                                                    Psalms 130:1-2

Talk things out with a trusted, loving, faithful friend. And be sure to listen to their observations of the situation; they may be much more objective than you are at the moment. (God may have put them in your path with a message)!

And when you are spent, weary from unleashing all that emotion, then take a deep breath, and leave your burdens at the altar of the Lord. Acknowledge that you need God’s help to move forward with a workable solution that will help you to change your current situation. Trust the PROCESS! Revelation, insight, change, often come more slowly than we would like. It is important to be faithful, to be patient, to be humble. These are the lessons of this particular journey. Learn them well, or you will find yourself repeating them often!

Just wallowing in the pain and misery won’t improve your reality one bit. And you are going to stay there even longer if you refuse to move past feeling sorry for yourself. Plus, you run the risk of alienating the very people around you who may be able to aid you in making forward progress.  

When we are first hurt by someone, or some circumstance, we often feel victimized, and perhaps we are. But continuing to feel like a victim is a very destructive pattern of behavior. The attention and sympathy of others can be extremely seductive. All of us enjoy empathy and understanding from those around us. But if you allow yourself to fall into the trap of casting yourself in the victim role for too long, you will hamper your efforts at healing and you may even drive away the very people who are trying to help you.

Even those closest to us tend to lose patience if we are obsessive, immersed in self-pity and/or stop trying to help ourselves. It gets very old, very quickly, trying to assist someone who refuses to accept responsibility, won’t take advice and won’t at least attempt to move forward in a positive direction.

So “whine” for a moment if you must! But move quickly into developing a plan of action that will propel you towards a brighter, happier future. It all starts with a decision, a CHOICE, and that choice is yours and yours alone to make.  

But you are NEVER alone in the process! God gives you the freedom, the power to choose your attitude and where you will put your faith. And he gives you the strength to continue to walk your path towards your destiny. Seek your answers in prayer, regularly, and they will be provided to you as you need them, in perfect timing.  

TRUST the PROCESS! It is the foundation of your lesson! Trust and fear not, doubt not, deliverance is coming! Like the song by Third Day says, “There’s a light at the end of this tunnel for you”.  Your answers are coming. Stay prayerful and faithful. Find joy in the little things around you while you wait for guidance, for wisdom, for understanding, for direction.

“Therefore I prayed and understanding was given me; I called upon God, and the spirit of wisdom came upon me”.    

                                                                                                                                        Wisdom 7:6

Life is one meaningful lesson after another. And the challenges, the dark periods of our lives, teach us much more than than the easy, joyful times. If you are facing your own particular challenge right now, then don’t think that you are being punished! Think instead that God is working to mentor you, to mold you into the person you were destined to be! His attention is focused on you right now--ask yourself why! What is it that you are supposed to learn? Try to be a willing, even a grateful, student!  God has found something worthwhile in you that he is trying to nurture.  

Acknowledge your pain, your fear. Communicate your feelings by talking about them, venting, even whining! But then, move quickly into the role of obedient scholar. Remember that you are a manifestation of God’s spirit here on earth. Cheerfully accept the role of “apprentice”, of God’s “representative in training”.

All lessons, all skills, all jobs, take work and practice in order to learn them well. This is your time! You are in training! God is working with you right now! How will you participate in this process? Will you spend your time whining, or learning? Which choice do you think will move you more quickly towards the joyful, peaceful reality that you seek?  

It has been said that “Perception is Reality”. Make your reality one of cheerful obedience. Look for the message, the lesson hidden within your challenge. When you stop concentrating on all that is wrong in your life, and start looking for the good you can derive from it (and the good you can offer to others), you will find that your circumstances no longer have the power to control your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, and your attitude.  The pain, the frustration, the anger, give way to peaceful acceptance, to joyful obedience, to a hopeful outlook.

And I promise, that feels a whole lot better and accomplishes so much more, than WHINING ever does!

“Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.”

                                                                                                                                         Isaiah 30:20

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Please visit her websitewww.inspiredreflections.info, for additional "Reflections" on Life and Marriage. She has just finished the first draft of her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life.

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Make Sure Your Marriage Has a Disaster Recovery Plan

As I write this, our headlines are filled with articles about the current state of our economy. We are all trying to cope with massive job losses, downsizing, rising prices, and the fear and uncertainty about our futures. Pressures are mounting within our own families as well, since so many of us have been directly impacted by budget constraints, loss of crucial retirement funds and the necessity for restructuring our way of life.

People are commuting farther in order to find work, traveling more, working for less and staying in jobs that are less than ideal because their options are so limited. All of this stress is affecting our marriages and our family relationships. We are having to scale back our spending and say "no" to things we are accustomed to saying "yes" to—vacations, home improvements, new clothes, cars, entertainment, etc.

So what can we do to protect our most precious investments—our marriages and our families? Well, first we must develop a "Disaster Recovery Plan".

Almost 25 years ago, I was a young wife, full of hopes and dreams for our long and happy life together. We had vowed to stay committed "for better or for worse" and I had confidence that we would live by those words. We had just bought our first home and had started a small business that we believed would eventually provide us with a comfortable future. Then the unthinkable happened--I had an ectopic pregnancy coupled with an ovarian cyst, which necessitated major surgery and meant that I had to be out of work for 12 weeks. I was the primary breadwinner at the time since my husband was finishing school. The economy in our state was experiencing a recession and I subsequently lost my job, which ultimately led to the loss of our business and our home. Within 18 months we were separated, and we divorced a couple of years later. In the short span of about 4 years, we lost a child, a business, our home and finally our marriage. We were involuntary participants in the death of our innocence and our dreams. The pressure, the feelings of failure, the blame, the guilt, and our youth and inexperience; all played a role in the destruction of our marriage. When the "worst" happened to us; we weren't prepared to handle it.

I learned some very powerful lessons, in the most painful of ways. When a catastrophe strikes a family, the marriage is put under tremendous strain. Without a "disaster recovery plan", many marriages do not survive such adversity.

So what is your "Marriage Disaster Recovery Plan"? Do you even have one? Or are you, like my first husband and I, at the mercy of trying to navigate the pitfalls of life without a map?

I went on to marry my wonderful husband and since we have both been married before, we have firsthand experience with what doesn't work. And we have spent the last 18 years of our marriage trying to figure out what does! Our "disaster recovery plan" has been put to use many times throughout our life together. And we continue to refine and enhance it as we have faced job losses, sickness, injury, family disconnect, death, and the trauma of suicide in our family; more than once.

Our own disaster plan starts with prayer. We used to just pray the "God please help us" kind of prayer. But we have learned that God wants us to completely TRUST him, even when we are facing the most horrendous of circumstances. So now, when trouble comes, we make an honest effort to surrender to God's plan and keep reminding ourselves that some good will ultimately arise from our pain and misery. We have learned to pray the "God, please help us to trust and follow your will", prayer.

We don't deny our hurt, but we try not to be consumed by it either. And make no mistake; it is HARD work. When you are faced with a crisis, there are days when it takes everything inside of you to keep from falling apart. The fear creeps in, your mind races through all the awful things that have, or could happen.

But that mindset is really of no benefit to our healing and our hope. Deepak Chopra says that true faith is being "comfortable with uncertainty." Trusting God means surrendering to his "grand plan" and moving forward with complete faith and confidence that the future will be better than today. It means being obedient to his will, even when you are scared and uncertain. And it means never losing hope, even when the odds seem to be against you and God's timing is much slower than you think you need. As frustrating as it is to live through, there is much to be learned from "waiting on the Lord."

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and don't lose hope…" ~ Psalm 27:14

In addition to prayer, we have found it very helpful to be involved in a small group at our church. We are members of a ChristCare group where we regularly see God's love and support demonstrated by others within our group, as we seek to enhance our spiritual walk together. There is something very comforting about surrounding yourself with people who are walking, or have walked, in your shoes. You witness God's love in action in a very personal and meaningful way.

The other part of our disaster plan is to love and support one another. To talk--really talk, respectfully and lovingly, about our concerns, our hopes, our dreams and our fears. We are careful not to place blame on one another. This is critical if one of you has lost your job! And it is tough to do as you watch your savings vanish, your bills pile up, and your prospects dwindle. But take care not to turn on each other. Be your own best support system so that when you or your spouse does have an interview, you can come across as capable and confident, not panicked and desperate. Your marriage should be the one thing you don't have to worry about during a crisis. But you can't neglect it or take it for granted, either. You have to continue to develop and cultivate it.

If you or your spouse has to work longer hours or travel more, that will obviously pose a certain hardship on the marriage and the family. One of you will have to assume more of the household responsibilities. Trying to make family decisions over the telephone can prove to be difficult. The kids will be impacted by not having both parents there to support them. And you will probably just miss each other and miss spending time together. This can be very frustrating over time.

But it is important not to take your frustrations out on each other. Recognize that you are both doing the best you can to rise to the occasion and that this situation is temporary. It may last much longer than you wish, but things will get better. Be optimistic and supportive of one another and enjoy the times you do get to spend together. Have some FUN; release your stress with some inexpensive family exercise—walking, hiking, bike riding, swimming, etc.

And be mindful that the travel may open new opportunities for you--the exposure to different people in a new work environment, the chance to prove yourself with a new challenge, or you just might be seated next to your new boss on a plane sometime! You never know how God may work and what situation he may use to open doors for you.

So "Trust the Process" and take care to protect the health of your relationship whenever adversity strikes. And while it may be the last thing on your mind, be sure to connect physically and intimately. It will sustain your commitment and remind you that you still love and need one another even if your world seems to be crumbling around you.

Nurturing your marriage when times are tough will strengthen it in a way that success and prosperity will never do. You will forge a bond of trust, reliance, and closeness that will enhance your relationship in ways you never dreamed possible. You will learn the freedom that comes from exposing your true selves to one another, complete with all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. And you will grow and mature together while creating a healthy sanctuary from the stresses of life.

As you pray together for guidance, help and hope; also pray that your family will turn to God and to one another in love and support to weather the storms you face together. Pray that you will emerge stronger, more unified and more focused on the things in life that are most important. These types of experiences can prove to be very healing and times of great spiritual growth, if you keep your priorities in the proper order.

The next important component of a disaster plan is to celebrate the little things. A sunny day when it has been raining, a gentle shower when your garden needs watering, your child's passing test score, a lovingly prepared dinner shared together, a birthday, the car repair not costing as much as your feared it might, an unexpected visit or call from loved ones, the exuberance of your puppy at play, the laughter of neighborhood children, making all the lights on your way home, the first flower of Spring, the birds singing outside your window, and on and on. The simplest of things should be noticed and appreciated.

And be sure to extend that to one another. That unexpected note or card tucked into a suitcase for a spouse who is now having to travel for work, a kiss that "interrupts" when one of you is dejectedly revising your resume', remembering to prepare a favorite meal, telling your spouse how proud you are of them (even though they may be out of work), a candlelight bath, a walk in the park holding hands—these little thoughtful gestures will go a long way towards demonstrating that you still love and desire one another even though life is tough right now and you are not where you want to be.

I am no longer a "young" wife, but I am still filled with hopes and dreams for a long and happy life with my husband. My life did not follow the original plan that I had for myself, but God dreamed a bigger dream for me and even though it has not been without trials and tribulations, I am learning to trust that the future is filled with amazing possibilities if I can get "comfortable with uncertainty" and truly trust God's plan for my life. And I am sure that as my life continues to unfold, and our vows of "for better or for worse" are tested, we will have many more opportunities to put our "disaster recovery plan" into action. But I have also learned this valuable lesson, "True Wisdom flows from God and comes to those who are not jaded by experience or circumstance, but enlightened because of it." I pray that you will not become jaded by your own adversity, but instead, by faith, will experience the enlightenment of God's wisdom because of it.

"Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved; in quietness and confidence is your strength."  ~ Isaiah 30:15

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister.  Please visit her website www.inspiredreflections.info for additional “Reflections” on Life and Marriage.  She is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. You can find her on Facebook at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Deborah-J-Thompson/50803393657?ref=ts

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"Unrealized Expectations"

All of us enter into our relationships and marriages with (usually unconscious), expectations of what a husband, a wife, and a marriage should be.  And because we rarely define these expectations for ourselves, they never get vocalized to our spouses.  They generally only come to the surface of our consciousness when they are not being met.  This is where the trouble begins.  

Suppose your (unconscious) idea of a “good” husband, is that he will work hard, provide for the family, tend to the yard, pick up the dog poop, keep the house free of bugs, perform the household maintenance, and basically do all the “yucky”, dirty jobs around the house that you don’t want to do, or can’t imagine yourself having to do.

Now bear in mind, you have never actually said this out loud.  Certainly not to your Fabulous Husband!  You probably didn’t even realize that these were your expectations--until he didn’t do one, or all of them!  Suddenly, you are frustrated and angry when you step in dog poop in your new favorite pair of shoes.  And you are freaked out when a roach crawls across your kitchen floor--whose fault is that????  And when the toilet overflows and you have a sewage problem on your hands--well, you certainly didn’t sign up for such a horrible, nasty mess!

Meanwhile, Fabulous Husband grew up in a household where Mom was the brave one.  Mom killed the bugs, slew the dragons, and took care of everything at home while Dad “brought home the bacon”.  Fabulous Husband never dreamed that one day he would be EXPECTED to perform all those “ikky” jobs.  

The stage is set for a melt-down in the marriage--all because of UNREALIZED EXPECTATIONS.

Conversely, since Fabulous Husband’s Mother cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and accomplished ALL things household while Dad worked outside the home, he has a preconceived notion that Wonderful Wife will assume all those roles.  HIS JOB is to work--AT WORK.  

Wonderful Wife, however, came from a family where as the only girl (besides Mom), she took dance lessons, learned to play the violin, and was a high school cheerleader.  Dad and her 3 brothers handled all the hard jobs around the house.  Mom did cook and clean, but never made lovely daughter pitch in with these chores.  Her job was to excel in school, make friends, go to college and be successful.  And she did.  She earned her degree and has a fabulous new job to go with her Fabulous new Husband.  And NO TIME for cooking, cleaning, and having children.  She ASSUMES that since she and new hubby are a modern, working couple, they will divide up the household duties, take turns, help each other, and pick up the slack when the other has to work late or over the week-end.  But of course, he must feel the same way--that is just the way it will be.  So it never occurs to her to mention her “plan”.

Both husband and wife are really busy at work.  And at home, the dishes are piling up, as is the laundry.  The yard needs mowing, the floors need scrubbing and each is secretly wondering why the other hasn’t managed to keep up with the household chores.

The day Wonderful Wife ruins her new shoes in the yard also happens to be the same day that Fabulous Husband reaches for a clean shirt to wear to work, only to find that he doesn’t have any!  Happy Couple has their first UGLY fight--each blames the other for things they never even realized that they expected of one another.  

If any of this sounds familiar, you are NOT alone!  We all go through it and the way to navigate safely through these potential minefields is to TALK, TALK, TALK.  And I don’t mean yelling at each other during an argument, but hopefully via a series of calm, constructive conversations before you actually have the argument(s).  Examine your childhood and your roles models.  Try to uncover what your expectations of your spouse and your marriage are.  And share those with one another.  Not in anger, but in the spirit of loving, cooperative communication.

Learn the fine art of negotiating who is responsible for what.  What are the rules regarding money, and accounting for it?  Who pays the bills?  What is your budget?  What are your plans for having children?  What happens after the children?  Who works?  Does someone stay home?  How does that change the household responsibilities?  Who gets up with the baby?  Who takes the dog out late at night?  In the morning? How often are each of you going to spend time outside the marriage with friends?  How do you expect to spend your vacations and free time?  How and where will you spend the holidays?  How often will you visit in-laws?  Who cooks, who cleans, who takes out the garbage?

Cover all these issues and more.  Some may seem small and trivial, but I promise you, they aren’t when they blow up in your face!  The more UNREALIZED, UN-VOCALIZED EXPECTATIONS that you have, the more trouble you are going to have.  Spend as much time uncovering these potential problem areas as you did planning the wedding and you will save yourself a lot of heartache.  Rarely are arguments about “who left the dirty dishes in the sink”.  Instead the argument is about someone’s non-verbal expectation of how dishes, or some other issue, should be handled.  

Marriages often erode a little bit at a time.  These types of things can cause the love that brought you together, to turn into resentment and disappointment.  “Fabulous” Husband is now characterized as a work-a-holic who has no time for the family and shirks his responsibilities at home.  “Wonderful” Wife is thought of as a spoiled brat who won’t clean the house.  These two people didn’t change.  Their “unrealized, non-verbal, unmet expectations” have tainted their views of one another.  And the “happily married couple” dissolves into two bitter, angry, bickering people who can’t stand the sight of one another.

Don’t let this happen to your marriage.  See yourself as you really are, as well as your spouse.  Don’t concentrate on one another’s perceived faults - look at your own expectations and discuss with each other how to arrive at a solution that works for both of you.

Remember, he is still “Fabulous” Husband and she is still “Wonderful” Wife.  Just be sure to define what you “expect” from them so they can stay that way!

“You expected much, but received only a little. And when you brought it home, I made that little disappear. Why have I done this? It’s because you hurry off to build your own houses, while my temple is still in ruins.”   ~ Haggai 1:9

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How to Make a Marriage Plan

As my husband and I make plans to attend our dear friends’ daughter’s wedding, I am once again struck by the challenge that all couples face after the wedding is over--how do you make a marriage succeed over time?

Many couples work diligently for months to plan the “perfect” wedding. Every detail is addressed and decided upon. Contingency plans are devised, schedules are finalized, and preparations are thoroughly organized and arranged. There is even a rehearsal for the big day’s events. No component is left to chance; every possible circumstance is envisioned and accounted for.

But how many couples invest even a fraction of the time they spend in wedding planning on marriage planning?

How many plan for the MARRIAGE at all? And yet, the morning after they say, “I Do”, they wake up as married couples and spend the next years of their lives trying to navigate their way to “happily ever after.” Sadly, many will never get there as nearly one-half of all marriages end in divorce.

And living together before marriage is no formula for success either. Several studies, including a new book by Mike and Harriet McManus, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers, indicate that around 67% of couples who live together before marriage eventually divorce, as compared with 45% of all marriages.

So what is the “magic formula” for a long and happy life together?

Well, I am of the opinion that making a marriage work starts L-O-N-G before the marriage and begins inside each of us. First we must become mature, loving, unselfish, forgiving, secure individuals with a clear understanding of our expectations, needs, likes, dislikes and requirements.

Read that again--MATURE, LOVING, UNSELFISH, FORGIVING, SECURE. Does that describe you, or the person with whom you are involved?

Do you CLEARLY understand your EXPECTATIONS, NEEDS, LIKES, DISLIKES, and REQUIREMENTS? Can you communicate them effectively, and honestly reconcile how well another person is suited to complement those prerequisites?

If you are not currently in a relationship, now is the perfect time to determine the traits and characteristics that are necessary in order for you to be happy being married. When you are not involved with someone, you can be more objective about your true assessment.

Taking a cue from the old “Ben Franklin approach”, be honest with yourself and develop two lists—one that inventories all the attributes, values and qualities that are a “must” for you--things you can’t live without. This can be anything from “is deeply spiritual” to “loves college football” to “faithful, kind, thoughtful and considerate”, to “has a positive outlook on life”. Bear in mind, this is YOUR list, so do some serious soul-searching here to compose a personal, meaningful, and descriptive analysis.

On the other list, put everything that you cannot live with, perhaps “jealousy”, “infidelity”, “controlling personality”, “doesn’t want kids/dogs”, or “negative thinker” etc. Take the time to really examine what has worked and what has NOT worked in your previous relationships, and WHY. Be sure to periodically refine and update these lists as new thoughts come to you. And be as comprehensive as possible—remember you are seeking to define the traits that you will have to live with, day in and day out, year after year after year!

And make sure that these are character traits, not superficial features. Keep in mind that looks change over time and are a lousy indicator of whether you will be compatible and happy together. People gain weight, lose hair, (grow hair where it didn’t grow before), and develop wrinkles. Accidents can cause disfigurement, illnesses rob of our healthy skin, and gravity forces everything to bend and sag. So be sure to define what you want to see INSIDE a person, not outside!

Then the next time you become involved with someone and start to feel yourself getting serious about them, pull out and review your lists. Use them to evaluate whether this person has more traits on the “can’t live without” list or the “can’t live with” list. And don’t be too eager to compromise—remember you made these lists after careful self-analysis and experience over time. Don’t be unreasonable, but don’t concede important points just because you want this to work out.

Realize that most of the problems that occur after marriage are caused by issues that were apparent beforehand; we just often choose to ignore those little “red flags” when they appear.

The jealous husband was also the jealous boyfriend—you just chalked it up to the fact that he “cared” so much about you. And the “high maintenance” wife demonstrated those same “the world revolves around me” tendencies when you were dating. But back then; you just considered her “princess-like” qualities to be entertaining and endearing.

So, CHOOSE CAREFULLY! Don’t expect that your spouse will change to better suit you after you are married. Or that they will “grow up”, “become more secure”, “more faithful”, or “learn to compromise”. In fact, be realistic and accept that their minor annoyances may become major thorns in your side as time goes on. Maya Angelou has a very wise saying, “People tell you who they are, believe them—the first time.”

The bottom-line BEFORE you marry is to first work on yourself to ensure that you are ready to assume the responsibilities of marriage. That you can make and accept decisions which are in the best interests of your new family, rather than just yourself. That you are sufficiently mature enough to forgive, are able to leave the past in the past, and can effectively communicate without anger, when a problem arises. And that you are a confident, secure, well-adjusted individual who is truly prepared to share their life with someone else, but doesn’t NEED a relationship in order to feel valuable.

Then make a wise choice of mate by really getting to know one another beforehand. Spend plenty of time together in various situations including stressful and challenging ones. Be clear about your (and their), expectations of marriage and of one another. Discuss finances, children, religion, career goals, family traditions, and household responsibilities. Look for any areas of incompatibility—I PROMISE they will come up again! Attend couples counseling and/or engaged encounter weekends to gain a more objective view of your relationship. And most of all, BE HONEST with one another, be yourselves, and don’t try to “put your best foot forward” just to make a good impression. You can’t keep up a pretense for your entire life!

But what about AFTER the “I Do’s”? Is it too late to reconcile your compatibility requirements with your reality? Not at all! The same principals apply—you need to be, or develop into, MATURE, LOVING, UNSELFISH, FORGIVING, SECURE individuals. And you have an even greater incentive than before—now your MARRIAGE is at stake! But have faith—you CAN find your way together, especially if you are willing to adopt some tried and true biblical principals.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” ~ Galatians 5:22

If you adopt these attributes, you will be well on your way to formulating a strategy for a successful marriage. Take them one at a time and think about how you can both use them to improve your marriage and even your lives.

Be LOVING toward one another; remembering what attracted you to one another at the beginning of your relationship. Love each other as God loves you--be willing to forgive and don’t be judgmental. Practice loving, forgiving and being less critical towards others in your life as well, being mindful that we ALL make mistakes.

Embrace the JOYFUL side of life; have gratitude for all that is good around you. Recognize your blessings, even amidst the hardships and frustrations that are an inevitable part of life.

Choose a PEACEFUL existence. Make decisions that simplify your lives and allow you to experience more peace in your daily walk with God and with one another. Choose friends and activities that enhance your peace, rather than rob you of it. Live within your means, so that you can eliminate concerns about money.

Be PATIENT with one another, remembering that you are each on your own separate spiritual journeys, even as you walk this path together. You will discover enlightenment at a different pace, but you can help each other to learn and to grow.

Treat one another with KINDNESS; speak lovingly and respectfully to each other using a calm, caring, considerate tone of voice. Let your love be evident to one another and to others by the manner in which you speak to each other.

Let GOODNESS dictate your decisions so that you are virtuous, honorable and defined by integrity in all aspects of your life. Your professional, as well as your personal life, should reflect an honest, noble and ethical value system.

Be FAITHFUL and true in your commitment to God and to one another. Do not allow work, hobbies, outside interests or the allure of others to sabotage the covenant you have made together. Honor your vows by staying devoted to one another and to your marriage. Give one another your time and your talents, putting your marriage before the demands and temptations of this world.

Approach disagreements and difficulties with a GENTLE, compassionate, understanding spirit. Be sympathetic to one another’s problems and challenges, and considerate of one another’s needs. Cooperate with each other and be willing to compromise for the sake of your marriage.

Exercise SELF-CONTROL when you are angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, or tempted. Put yourself in the other person’s place and try to imagine the impact of your words and actions. Take care to choose what you say, how you say it; and what you do, very carefully. Don’t elect to “win the battle” and in the process, “lose the war”. Weigh your words and actions carefully; they WILL have an effect on your spouse and your marriage. Make positive choices rather than negative ones—err on the side of love,

forgiveness and commitment to your marriage.

You may have realized as you were reading, that adopting these attributes requires a mature perspective and viewpoint. It calls for putting aside your selfish inclinations and committing yourself to a cause greater than yourself. It involves thinking about someone else and how your actions affect them. It means that you must learn to communicate more constructively, taking care to temper your emotions so that your message is delivered and received in a positive and beneficial manner.

Incorporating these qualities into your marriage and your daily life will not be easy, and it will take LOTS of practice! I find that I need God’s help on a regular basis to consistently put me back on track. But a commitment to these values will enhance and enrich your union and even the quality of your daily existence.

So before you say, “I Do”, and especially afterwards, spend time on “planning” your marriage. Make the choice together to embrace the essential qualities of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

Use them as a guide to keep you on the right path when you stumble and fall. And let them be a litmus test to illuminate the source of any problems that arise. Most every difficulty can be traced back to a deficiency or weakness in one of these areas.

By adopting these characteristics and making them part of your “marriage plan”, you will have chosen a sturdy framework, a pattern of behavior that will enhance your relationship, help you to pinpoint the cause of your difficulties, and support you on your journey towards an enduring, successful, and happy marriage.

“Life is short, and you love your wife, so enjoy being with her. This is what you are supposed to do as you struggle through life on this earth.” ~Ecclesiastes 9:9

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. She can be reached at reflecting@me.com.

Easy Ways to Sabotage Your Relationship

“Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you. ~ James 4:1

Relationships fail for a variety of reasons. When we forget one of the basic principals outlined in 1 Corinthians 13:5, “…Love does not demand its own way…”, we sow the seeds for a variety of manifestations of Selfishness. The fundamental and defining character of Love is that it is NOT selfish. Yet, ultimately, the demise of any relationship can be directly attributed to some form of selfishness. And two of the easiest and most common ways to destroy the foundation of any relationship are the epitome of Selfishness—Pride and Jealousy.

“Too much Pride will destroy you.” ~ Proverbs 16:18

Pride is the enemy of relationships, and stubbornness, exhibiting controlling behaviors, and being unforgiving, are all just pride in disguise. Demonstrating these, and other prideful reactions will undermine the basis of your relationship and quickly sabotage any efforts you make towards building a solid future together.

By the way, please don’t confuse the destructive impact of pride with the healthy trait of Self-Confidence, or with the virtues of Dignity and Honor. Those are very different types of pride and not at all related to what we are discussing here. You can have pride in your country, the accomplishments of loved ones, and a job well done, for example. But that doesn’t make you a prideful person. And remember that you can be confident and secure without being controlling, stubborn and unforgiving. These manifestations of pride hurt those around you and ultimately yourself as well.

Pride, disguised as stubbornness, indicates that you care more about yourself than you do the other person. It is another symptom of selfishness and denotes a lack of maturity. We refuse to negotiate, give-in, or talk things through to a reasonable compromise when we let our pride get in the way of our love for someone else and our concern for their needs, their opinions, and their desires. And it sets us up for controlling behaviors.

If you are guilty of needing to have the last word and be the final authority on issues relating to the family, the home, the relationship, the finances, the children, etc., then you are exhibiting controlling behaviors that will quickly sabotage any chance of happiness you might have together. It says that you think you are smarter, more astute, more capable, and more talented than your partner. It demeans their contribution to the relationship and signifies that you have devalued them. It is degrading, often humiliating, and they will ultimately withdraw because their needs are not being met and the relationship is offering them fewer and fewer benefits. Not many people want to stay where they feel unappreciated, insignificant, and worthless.

A partnership only works for both partners when each of you feels loved, appreciated, respected and valued. Each individual must have input and be free to not only offer opinions and suggestions, but is entitled to have those taken into account in the decision-making process, and for them to be recognized as assets to the relationship.

And if you are the primary wage earner in the family, be very careful that you do not assume more power or exercise dominion over your spouse. A healthy marriage, friendship and any other relationship is a careful balance where both people are making contributions to the future direction of the partnership and where both are highly regarded for the unique and necessary gifts they provide. Don’t assume that the partner whose “gift” is to earn the family’s income is somehow entitled to a greater share of power in decision-making. Remember that you are partners and both of you are affected by the decisions of either one of you. So be respectful, encourage discussions, value one another’s opinions, and be sure that you are making more joint decisions than unilateral ones.

When you exhibit stubborn and controlling behaviors, you upset the delicate balance within your relationship. You cause resentment to build because you devalue your partner. And you erode the love, respect and honor that are a vital part of building a healthy partnership that will not only last, but also flourish and prosper.

Philippians 2:3 ~ “When you do things, do not let selfishness or pride be your guide. Instead, be humble and give more honor to others than to yourself.”

“Pride goeth before a fall” may be a cliché, a phrase coined from Proverbs 16:18, but clichés were born from truisms and from experience. So be forewarned, if you continue to let your pride interfere with your willingness to see things from someone else’s point of view, you will erode your relationship with that person a little at a time. If you continue to be stubborn and controlling, you will undermine your partner’s love and respect for you. And if you refuse to apologize, or make concessions because you are afraid of being perceived as weak or wrong, then you are causing injury and damage to your relationship that might be irreparable. If you are not valuing your relationship and your partner more than yourself, you run the very real risk of losing them both.

And let me be clear about that last statement. I am not talking about being a doormat and always putting your needs last. I am talking about a give and take, the fairness and compromise that are necessary to the health of any relationship. Make sure that you are contributing to the stability of your relationship by putting aside your pride. Don’t be stubborn or controlling; be willing to apologize and make sure that you have a forgiving spirit.

“Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." ~ Colossians 3:13

The act of forgiveness is a very necessary lesson that we all need to learn in life, and the earlier the better. But way too many of us take a lifetime to figure out the power in the simple act of forgiving someone else. Forgiveness is a gift of peace you give to yourself. It empowers you to take control over your own life and stop allowing the actions of others to dictate your attitudes, acts, emotions and moods.

And having a forgiving spirit does not mean that you are meek, spineless, weak, or a pushover. Making the choice to forgive is not a passive action. Rather it is an assertive activity driven by the conscious preference to be the kind of person who strives to reflect God in their interactions with others.

This powerful choice is a liberating, defining moment where you take back control over your own life and your own emotions. You no longer allow hurt or resentment to impact your present reality or direct your future. Remember, You cannot live in the present and create the future, if you are dwelling on the past.

It might be helpful to remind yourself that forgiving doesn’t mean condoning someone else’s bad behavior. It simply means that you are making allowances for their human imperfections, and in turn, they will be more motivated to make allowances for yours. After all, you are both going to do selfish, immature, thoughtless things at some time or another. And remember another aspect of Love in 1 Corinthians 13:5 is that it “keeps no record of wrongs”. So practice forgiveness on a regular basis, don’t bring up your partner’s past mistakes every time you get angry with them, and in turn, you will discover how much more loving and peaceful your relationship becomes.

“Jealousy is more dangerous and cruel than anger.” ~ Proverbs 27:4

Jealousy is another dangerous manifestation of selfishness that tears at the very fabric of a relationship. When someone exhibits jealousy they are telling their partner that they don’t believe in them, don’t trust them, and care more for themselves than for their partner. It shows that they are fearful, self-serving, and is, at its core, simply a reflection of their insecurity. It unmasks an ugly truth about them, is an indication of their immaturity, demonstrates a lack of self-confidence and is counter-productive to developing an adult, loving, relationship that will stand the test of time.

You may think that I am being harsh in my assessment of the character trait of jealousy. But facing these truths is a whole lot less painful than the impact jealousy has on those around you. Jealousy is NOT love. Jealousy makes you do things that you later regret and brings no good and no joy to you, your partner, or your family. Many a murder has been committed because of jealousy. Many a relationship has been destroyed. It creates drama and chaos and robs you both of any chance for a peaceful existence together. Jealousy leaves a path of pain and devastation whenever it gains a foothold in people’s lives.

“Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things.” ~ James 3:6

No relationship can thrive or grow stronger and deeper in an environment of jealousy. It is not a nurturing behavior; it is a destructive one. It will undermine every attempt you make to move your relationship along a positive path. It is poison to a marriage, a partnership, and to a friendship. It causes the person on the receiving end to become defensive and conjures up feelings of unwarranted and unjustified guilt. And continuing to subject someone to undue condemnation only creates an environment of mistrust, anger, frustration, confusion and ultimately, hostility.

If you want to have a long, loving relationship with someone, you will eventually need to exorcise the malevolent monster of jealousy before it destroys everything you hold dear. And make no mistake; it will drive away even the most devoted among us.

If you suffer from a jealousy heart, it is important to take a long look at yourself and understand that your jealousy is about YOU, not your partner. You, and only you, can take the necessary steps to heal the hurt and change your behavior. But you are not alone. By recognizing this shortcoming within you, and by being completely honest with yourself, when you come to God with a contrite heart and a sincere desire to change, God will give you the tools you need to rid yourself of this crippling characteristic. By understanding where the jealousy comes from and accepting responsibility for the damage it causes, you are well on your way to removing it from your life forever.

Try to see yourself from God’s eyes and you will come to understand that you have tremendous value and self-worth. You will no longer have a need to be jealous, because you will accept that you are worthy of love and respect and will in turn, impart those to others. And feeling good about yourself and having self-confidence are much more attractive traits than jealousy will ever be. Start an active, ongoing conversation with God, asking him to help you to outgrow your tendency towards being jealous. You will be amazed at the peace of mind that comes from being comfortable with yourself, confident of your partner and secure in your relationship.

And if your partner has been guilty of infidelity and you feel justified in your jealousy, remember that your jealousy will not help you to heal those hurts. Yes, you may have a “reason” to feel jealous, but jealousy in and of itself, is a destructive emotion and will only hinder your attempts to repair the damage done by the infidelity. If you hope to recover from this selfish assault on your marriage and have a chance for rebuilding, don’t let jealousy impede any progress you might make. Don’t add to your problems with detrimental reactions. Instead, consciously direct your responses to be ones that rather than obstructing your path, will help to advance you toward your ultimate goal.

Almost all problems in a relationship of any kind--family, friendship, marital, even among co-workers, can be traced back to the fact that one or both parties are practicing self-serving behaviors to the detriment of the relationship.

Infidelity, Greed, Jealousy, Thoughtlessness, Pride, Inconsideration, Narcissism, an Unwillingness to Forgive, Arrogance, Domination, Egotism, Boastfulness, Stubbornness, Conceit, Snobbery, Cruelty, and just about any other negative trait you can name, are all manifestations of some form of selfishness.

In order to prevent sabotaging your relationships, you would be wise to learn to recognize all the various forms that selfishness takes, ascertain which ones you are currently practicing, and remove them from your behavior patterns and your interactions with others. And if you aren’t sure which ones apply to you, just ask those closest to you—they are certain to know!

“If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” ~ Galatians 5:15

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. She can be reached at reflecting@me.com.