Is a Soul Mate a Sham?

There has been a lot of hoopla in the media lately regarding the use of the term, “soul mate” by South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, to justify his extra-marital affair. Our society has romanticized the notion of finding your soul mate for generations. There is something mesmerizing about the conviction that there is one person out there that is a perfect match for us, just waiting to be found.

And many couples enthusiastically use the term to describe one another when they first “fall” in love. The thrill of love in its infancy and the joy that we experience, seem to indicate that we have found that one perfect person that completes us and makes us better together than we were apart.

But when the reality of merging two lives into one collides with our romantic stirrings, many people deduce that they didn’t find their “soul mate” after all.  So they seek excitement or solace in the arms of someone else, or they part ways and are once again involved in the quest to fulfill their fantasy of finding the one and only person on this entire planet, who will make them happy.

And therein lies the first problem with this philosophy—our happiness is our own responsibility. If you are looking for someone else to complete you, to fill your life, to be the source of your contentedness, then you will be searching in vain your whole life. And you are placing an unreasonable expectation upon everyone with whom you develop a serious, romantic attachment.

Spouses, partners, friends and family are not here to make us happy. They are here for their own spiritual journey. When their lives intersect with ours, we can love one another, support each other, demonstrate kindness, and enhance our experience of being on this planet. But our ultimate happiness is not derived from other people, or even from our external circumstances. It comes from an attitude within us, our connection with God, and our choice to take personal responsibility for our own lives. Even a purported “soul mate” has no power to sustain our joy, our happiness, or our value and self-worth.

I found it interesting to read the various definitions of a soul mate:  “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament, a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs”, “a person, especially of the opposite sex, with whom one has a deeply personal relationship”, and even, “a person with whom one gets along well because of having shared interests and experiences.” Hmmm…sounds a lot like how most of us have described our spouses at one time or another!

So how do we go from this definition of a “soul mate”--our own spouse, with whom we have “a deeply personal relationship”, who is “perfectly suited” to us, and who shares our “attitudes, beliefs, interests and experiences”, to “falling” out of love?

Well, this is the second problem with our romantic ideology about love. We use the terms, “falling in and out” of love when in reality, love is a choice. The feeling that initially attracts us to someone, is more akin to lust than to the true definition of pure, real, love. And that is why it doesn’t last. There is no way to sustain that level of fiery passion for a lifetime. And when our lives intrude upon our romantic inclinations, we start to believe that there is something wrong with our relationship.

But that is not always true. Passion burns with intensity at the beginning of a relationship. It is exciting, it feels good and we are often consumed by it. But all fires eventually burn themselves out when they run out of fuel. It is our job, as marital partners, to remember to “fuel” our relationship, to nurture it, to feed it, to cultivate it so that it can grow, develop and evolve into a sustainable and mutually beneficial partnership.

We must make a daily choice to continue to love one another and remember that little things can make a big difference. Ever since we were first married almost 18 years ago, my husband leaves a note for me on our bathroom mirror. He keeps a pad of sticky notes in his drawer and writes me a short message every day. And if one of us is traveling, he sends it to me in an email.

He takes his inspiration from whatever is happening in our lives at the moment or from his morning devotional reading. Sometimes he thanks me for something I have done, other times he compliments me, occasionally he apologizes, often he writes an uplifting and encouraging message, and sometimes he just simply says, “I love you.” There are usually just a few sentences, but they mean the world to me. They make me feel loved, appreciated, valued and cherished.

And he has told me that in the disciplined act of writing these daily affirmations of his feelings, he “finds a new reason to love me, every day”. That is also the advice that he gives to all newly married couples he encounters; “Find a new reason to love one another, every day.”

That attitude demonstrates the realization that LOVE IS A CHOICE. It illustrates how to make the choice to continue to love, day after day, in spite of any circumstances that might detract you. And it exemplifies how you successfully transition from the blazing, passionate flames of new love, to the warm, glowing embers of a love that lasts a lifetime.

It is also interesting to note that while The Bible gives us a great definition and much advice regarding “Love”, I could find no reference at all to a “soul mate”. God never instructs us to seek out a soul mate. However, if we follow the precepts of marriage he provides, then it is possible to develop the spiritual, physical, and emotional connections implied in the term.

So is the notion of a soul mate some sort of sham? Perhaps. But I believe that my spouse is my soul mate--not because of some mystical twist of fate, but because we work on our marriage every day to ensure that our “soul mate status” remains intact.

We seek contentment and happiness within ourselves, try to limit our selfish behavior, forgive easily and quickly, and strive to maintain our connection with God and with each other. We appreciate each other and endeavor to find new reasons to love one another on a daily basis. We spend time together, sharing “interests and experiences”.  And we make the choice, every day to continue to love each other, respect each other, and treat each other with kindness, compassion and patience.

Perhaps we should all start embracing the notion that “soul mates” are made, not born, that we can become soul mates with our partners. After all, what we really want when we seek a soul mate is someone that excites us, someone we can depend upon, and someone who really loves us for who we are. Put in those terms, it doesn’t seem so far-fetched or out-of-reach, does it?

I know that becoming soul mates with our spouses requires more work on our part than just getting “lucky” and “finding” them does, but at least we don’t have to abandon our romantic desire for the level of connection and intimacy that the term “soul mate” represents to us. We can stop “searching the world” and start searching our own homes. And best of all, with God’s help, if we will integrate this mindset into our marriages, we can actually turn the fantasy of a soul mate into a reality.

Take a good look at your spouse today and see if you can’t “fan the flames” of love a bit. You just might find that you have been married to your “soul mate” all along, after all.

“So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe that God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.”  ~ Colossians 3:14 (The Message)

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

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Trust the Process

How many times in your life have you looked back over the evolution of a certain situation and seen with complete clarity how all the steps were perfectly directed to arrive at the present conclusion? Yet, while you were on the journey, you couldn’t ascertain the outcome and had no understanding of what each “step” would mean to the eventual resulting set of circumstances. It is one of the reasons that we say “hindsight is 20/20”.

But what if there were a way to have 20/20 vision while you are still on the journey, before the resolution is revealed to you? How different would your daily mindset be? How would this knowledge impact your life?

Deepak Chopra says that pure FAITH is “the ability to step into the unknown and be comfortable with uncertainty”. As we grapple with the challenges in our lives, wouldn’t it change our whole perspective if we could get “comfortable with uncertainty”?

Well, we CAN, and we do that by “Trusting the Process”. When you pray about a situation, God IS listening and he IS responding. But sometimes we don’t recognize his responses because they don’t take the form that we expect. When you align yourself to be in regular communion with God, praying “constantly” by having an ongoing conversation with your Creator, you will gain the insight that allows you to truly “Let Go and Let God” work in your life. You understand that what you may perceive as a setback may instead be a shortcut on the journey to where God is leading you.

And you learn to trust that God may be directing you to somewhere other than where you were expecting to go! But by “trusting the process”, you will see the realization of even greater blessings than you could have imagined for yourself. Instead of getting frustrated and angry when things don’t go your way, you can relax when you accept that they may very well be going God’s way instead. And his way is perfect--he knows us completely, he knows what we need, when we need it, and what we need to LEARN along the way. He also knows the best way to teach those lessons to us. Many of the “aggravations” that plague our daily lives are simply opportunities designed for us to grow and learn valuable life lessons that we may not be able to learn any other way. And don’t forget that he is utilizing your life to teach and impact others as well!

That annoying acquaintance who is always boasting about their accomplishments, or their children’s achievements, may in reality be an insecure, unhappy individual that God has placed in your path so that you can demonstrate his unconditional love, his mercy, and his forgiveness. He may be using you to reach them and he may be trying to teach you a lesson about patience, humility, compassion for others, and how to see those around you through his eyes. They may be in your life so that you are challenged to learn to “love your neighbor as yourself”.

That new set of responsibilities your boss just “dumped” on your desk, may very well be the key to a future promotion, could be teaching you a new skill set that you can use to further your career, or may be necessary in your next position. Don’t forget, God can see into the future; we can’t. So doesn’t it stand to reason that we should rely on his judgment? Besides, an employee who cheerfully accepts new duties is perceived as much more valuable than one who consistently grumbles and complains about being given more “work”.

And if you lose a job or a promotion, instead of being disappointed or frightened, what would happen if you instead started seeking God’s next “open door” for you? What if you trusted that the door he will open is even better than the one that was closed--wouldn’t you be more peaceful and confident? And those traits are attractive to employers. Many more doors will be open to someone who radiates a sense of calm, composure and self-assurance than will be to one who exhibits fear and anxiety. So simply by changing your mindset, trusting God, and trusting the process, you will be adopting the very attributes that will ultimately bring you a better job and greater success that you would have achieved if you had stayed where you were. Just ask the number of entrepreneurs in the world who wouldn’t have had the courage to start their own businesses if they hadn’t first been fired.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”                          ~ Romans 15:13

When we learn that the only things we can control in this life are our choices and our attitudes--not the outcomes, not the consequences, not other people or their reactions, then we are FREE to completely trust God for our answers, our resolutions to problems, and our futures. And if we trust that because of our prayers, God is actively working to direct our lives towards our best outcome, then it becomes much easier to “trust the process” and view the steps along the way as important and necessary, even if we don’t yet understand them or even like or agree with them!

You may be asking yourself how, in the midst of a crisis, can you remember to trust the process.  We have all seen the “Stop—Children at Play” signs along the roadways and in our neighborhoods.  Well, we have signs along the roadways of our lives as well. Just visualize a “STOP—God at Work” sign whenever you need a gentle reminder of how to respond to negative situations that appear along your path.

Dan Caro is one of those “signs” and can teach all of us much about trusting the process. He is an extraordinary example of “God at Work”. At the age of two, he sustained third degree burns to 70% of his body when the pilot light of the hot water heater ignited the gasoline fumes in his family’s garage. He subsequently lost his right hand and most of his left hand and still carries the severe scars left from that tragic day. But listening to this young man’s tale of triumph over tragedy is a testament to the power of CHOICE. Despite his accident, the horrific pain, the numerous surgeries he has endured and the physical and emotional trauma he experienced, he has chosen to be positive, upbeat and inspirational. He has learned to play the drums and is a well-respected musician. He considers this experience a gift that allows him to inspire others as he travels, sharing his story of hope, faith and trust. He even titled his book, which is coming out next year, The Gift of Fire. Now THAT is “Trusting the Process”!

For us to embrace this mindset, all that is necessary is that we TRUST that God is working the BEST possible way for the BEST possible overall result—one that blesses us and glorifies him. One that moves us a step closer to becoming all that he intends for us to become. One that helps us to grow, to learn, to mature. And one that sets the stage for the next steps in the next journey of our lives.  God can take even the most painful and harrowing of circumstances and use them for our good and his glory—if we make the choice to trust.

When you choose to live your life this way, you will find that everyday disappointments don’t have the same impact that they used to. You will no longer be a “victim” to your circumstances. You will have discovered the power of CHOOSING your mindset, your attitude and your feelings. And you realize that this world, its people, and its events no longer hold power over you. You will experience greater Peace and Joy in your everyday existence. You will uncover the hidden opportunities presented within the challenges you face and ultimately attain the precious treasure of WISDOM. Remember, True Wisdom flows from God and comes to those who are not jaded by experience or circumstance, but enlightened because of it!

So the next time you start to feel upset, frustrated, or disappointed with the situation in which you find yourself, just stop, ask for God’s divine wisdom, and remember to TRUST the PROCESS—God IS at work!

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.”                                                                                      ~ Isaiah 26:3

You can learn more about Dan Caro at his website: www.dancaro.com.

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

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Little Choices

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." ~ Unknown

The art of crafting your life begins with each (often seemingly insignificant), choice you make all throughout every day. Choosing to eat a healthy breakfast rather than the doughnut you really want. Giving up your seat to the pregnant woman on the train. Taking time out of your busy morning to speak to the receptionist about her sick dog. Using your assistant's mistake as an opportunity to teach rather than reprimand. Playing catch with your child even though you feel the pressure of a project not finished. Making an extra meal for a sick neighbor. Tucking the children into bed on time so that you and your spouse have some time for just the two of you.

Each of these choices taken alone may not seem noteworthy. But the truth is that each one may be more important than you realize and may actually offer an opportunity to change someone's life.

Recently, I joined the 10-day Giving Challenge issued by Bob Lotich who authors a website on finance called ChristianPF.com. This challenge is simply to seek opportunities to give of your time, your talent, your energy and/or your money to someone in need every day for 10 days. It is amazing how different your perspective becomes when you are actively seeking chances to bless someone else. Not only does your attitude improve, but you are also setting in motion a powerful chain of events where the ripple effect goes far beyond what you may ever know. It is not always easy to take the focus off our own lives and see, really see, the needs around us. Yet many of these needs are things that we have the power to impact with very little effort.

You may feel that you are just one solitary person, but many solitary individuals have made significant contributions and have even changed the course of history with one, or a series of seemingly small choices: Moses, David, Noah, Martin Luther, Rosa Parks, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Clara Barton, Nelson Mandela, Helen Keller, Thomas Edison, and on and on and on…

The key to positively directing your choices is to maintain an open, active and dynamic connection with our Creator. I know when I am not doing that. It becomes evident in my discontent, my impatience, my frustration, my confusion and the lack of peace in my life. When I am connected to God, talking to him throughout the day (which is my definition of praying "without ceasing"), and feeling his presence walking with me; then I have a sense of peace even in the midst of chaos. I am able to keep my anger, my fear, my impatience and my frustration with life's challenges, in check. I have a much clearer understanding of my options and a better perspective on which direction I should take. I can trust the "voice" that guides me and don't get so sidetracked with multiple messages that can otherwise bombard my mind.

"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe." ~ Proverbs 2:10-11

In order to maintain that strong, active connection, I utilize several tools to help me. I like to start my day with devotional readings including scripture. I take time for confession, to pray for others, to thank God for my blessings and to lift up my own needs so that I can release my concerns about them. I created a file on my desktop that is my prayer list and I regularly update and refer to it. I am very moved by music, so I keep my radio station on "The Fish" and fill my mind, my heart and my spirit with uplifting messages—with songs that inspire and motivate me to keep God at the center of my life, songs of praise, and songs asking for divine wisdom and direction. I remind myself to talk to God regularly throughout the day, telling him how I am feeling, asking for his help with any and everything, and thanking him for even the smallest of blessings—the light changing to green, the short lines at the check-out, finding something I was seeking, even the fact that the sun is shining or the rain is falling. I joined a ChristCare group at my church for study and communion with others in a small group setting. I became a Stephen Minister to serve others. I try to not only open and close my day with God, but to acknowledge his presence throughout the whole day.

On the days that I successfully make these "little" choices, I find that I am closer to God, am better able to renew my faith daily, and am strengthened to handle the struggles that are an inevitable part of life. Conversely, I can really feel it when I don't incorporate these choices into my day! I have discovered that they are a big part of bringing more peace into my world and allowing me to share that peace with those around me.

Another "little" thing you can do is to make sure that you are telling the people in your life, family and friends, that you love them, every chance you get. Simply saying "I love you" before you hang up the phone, or signing your emails with a statement about how much you care, can provide an unexpected boost to someone's day. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it will become. A genuine expression of love and care for another person has a very healing and powerful effect.

And how many of you stop to say a prayer before you have a meal? I started praying before my meals, even in public, many years ago and it is amazing the impact that one act has on those around me. I may just quietly and discreetly bow my head, or if the situation seems to warrant it, I may ask if others at the table would like to join me. Again, if I am actively connected to God, then I am able to trust my instincts on how to proceed. I am not praying to draw attention to myself; rather I am truly grateful for the sustenance of food when so many in the world are going hungry at that very moment. It is a humbling gesture and a simple way to acknowledge one of life's most important blessings.

We often put lots of thought, prayer and research into the big choices in our lives, but seem to make the little ones automatically, without much thought at all. Yet the cumulative effect of all those "little" choices can have a big impact on our lives, our health, and our relationships with others.

So start paying attention to the "little" things you do every day. Give them a greater measure of your attention by realizing the power of ALL your choices, not just the big ones. Rectify a mistake as soon as you realize you have made it. Take a walk. Say you are sorry sooner. Call your parents more often. Hug your kids every time you can. Compliment your spouse regularly. Choose broiled over fried. Help around the house more. Offer to do something for someone without expecting anything in return. Find a new avenue to volunteer your time and talents. Join a small group at church. Select a new devotion you like and read it and a Bible verse every day. Talk to God in the car. Choose to respond rather than react. Get a sitter and take your spouse on a date or away for a weekend alone.

As you change your focus and start giving more weight to all your daily choices-- even the little ones, you will start to see how your life intersects, and is divinely connected to, the lives of those around you. You will begin noticing new opportunities to bless others and you will feel the joy that only comes from pure love and compassion. As you switch from running your life on "automatic" to purposely directing and guiding your choices, you will see powerful changes taking place all around you. And who knows, the primary life you enhance may just turn out to be your own.

"You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life…" ~ Deuteronomy 30:20

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

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